Journal

When My Tea Tag Speaks to Me

It’s Saturday. When you’re not doing anything with your life, every day feels like Saturday. It’s pretty sad. I haven’t started uploading YouTube videos, though I’ve put money into equipment for recording. I started to get into streaming on Twitch when I play and of course, no one sees you when you first start. I’m starting to grow resentful of the decisions that I made, partly through no fault of my own. Life has always been rocky for me and I learned to charge through. I only looked forward in terms of getting an education. It was difficult setting goals for myself. What do I want to do for the rest of my life? What are my goals in the next year, 2 years, 5, 10? All thoughts I never thought. If I got up the next day, that was all I needed to just keep charging through.

Let’s get even realer here: Instagram’s algorithm is a complete mystery to me. I posted a picture in celebration of my boyfriend and my 4-year anniversary and I lost so many followers. I’m constantly sitting here thinking, What the hell turned you off? I had a separate IG account that I started just to stalk people. Then, I started uploading pictures of when my boyfriend and I met for the first time. He returned to his hometown and I was completely lost as to what I could post about. So, I started to upload food posts. I built a bit of a following. But then I thought that if I’m going to try to make some sort of presence on this worldwide web, I should start with what I can talk the most about, which so happened to be skincare. I made a new IG account and I started this blog. It was all under a different domain name. Until I realized that skincare limits me. If I know that I’m passionate in helping others, then sharing skincare-related posts was too limiting. That’s how I got here. That’s how I created Leeann’s Lifestyle. When all you want is to connect to others in some way, it starts to weigh down on you when they’re just not taking the rope.

Last week, I made a cup of ginger tea. I read the tag. It reads:

A relaxed mind is a creative mind.

How many of our minds are relaxed? Raise your hand. If I’m right, I can only see 1/100000000. My mind is always running. The running is infinite. Nothing in the world can ever stop it. I try to tell a story in my photos. I really do. I have an idea of what kind of people and accounts follow me so I try to cater to their interests by telling a story through what I’m sharing. Everything in life that we do is a chapter of our individual stories in the making. People’s perception of what they get from your photos is the tricky part. It’s just a photo. Most pictures I see nowadays don’t tell a story. They just show a pretty face. The captions are one line and that line is bland. But it works for them. It makes you feel like you have to be beautiful to be on top. It’s not ever the case, but it does help, doesn’t it? You try not to fall into the traps of society and hang onto what makes you you as best you can. I’m just sick and tired of it all. It’s not that I don’t acknowledge that I just started. It’s just sad that this is reality. In an ever-growing world of social media users, the competition is ridiculously rough, especially when you’re dabbling in several different topics (AKA lifestyle). I feel like fitness speaks for itself. You’re telling a story to others about your fitness journey. Lifestyle, though? It’s too much of everything.

This whole ordeal made me think of what a popular YouTuber said in one of her videos about her career. She told her audience that her fear is being irrelevant. I think that goes for all of us. I think most of us want to go through life leaving a mark on the world (not just when we kick the bucket). For someone who never asked or wants attention, I’m actually asking for it now. And this is all for the sake of connecting to others. I want to be there for others, unlike the treatment I received for my entire life.

It’s just sad. This whole thing is sad. Intentions made of gold but no one notices. So you try to get noticed. How do you maintain who you are while trying to put yourself out there? I’m trying to keep intact why I started this whole thing in the first place. I want to make a life for myself. It was never about me, but now it is. I want it to be that way. If I connect with others who share my struggles, I’d be the happiest person ever. Because there’s nothing better about life than the experiences that you have and sharing those with others.

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