I’ve had a YouTube Channel since 2008, so basically when the internet world really started. There was KevJumba, HappySlip and Michelle Phan, the 3 people I first subscribed to (in that order). Watching their videos combined 2 things I’m the most drawn to: comedy and beauty. I religiously watched every upload of theirs and when they didn’t upload, I spent that time binging on anime. I anxiously awaited every new video and joyfully watched when they uploaded.
I was born with this innate ability to make people laugh. In my 5th grade yearbook, almost all my friends wrote to me to become a comedian. I even asked my brother to describe me in one word years later to which he replied, “Goofy.” I’ve always been weird and quirky with the way I talk and especially with the way I react to things–everything. In my senior year of high school, I was presented with an award for ‘having the most facial expressions.’
Cruising through life I haven’t not made anyone laugh. Until recently. As soon as I made the decision to take a year off and pursue my dream of travel, I haven’t felt like myself. My very short teaching career took a lot out of me, but still allowed me to see that being a teacher just isn’t me, that I don’t belong in a school for the next 10, 20, 30 years. And being around kids always came natural to me. I never fail to joke around with them and they never fail to make me laugh, too. But starting an internet career? I thought taking a year off for myself was going to allow me to be myself–completely myself. I thought I wouldn’t have to lose myself to the demands of a boss. I thought I’d have total freedom to just be me. What I’ve discovered in being mainly on Instagram and blogging weekly is that I’m less of myself than I was at any other place in my life. I’m only interacting with my boyfriend and my parents when they come home from work. I’m not meeting anyone, I’m not actively connecting to anyone. Being on the internet makes me feel even more distant to people than ever before and this is coming from a someone who plays PC games frequently and was definitely a gamer back then.
So I thought about uploading a video to my YouTube channel. YouTube is as big a part of my life as eating. I curate a Watch Later list of new videos from my subscriptions every morning and I watch videos every time I get ready (for the day, to go out, for bed). I even often have a video playing in the background as I work. I’ve been thinking about this for too long. I think making videos gives you a chance to connect with others by putting yourself out there in real-time. To see and hear a person make you feel more connected than to staged picture of beauty products, which my Instagram account is about.
I actually started recording my first video for practice. I’m not there yet. Surprising to myself, I’m nervous in front of the camera. I used to record videos about how every class went when I came home late from graduate classes just for my boyfriend to watch. That came easy to me because I knew my audience and my audience knew me. I guess I’ll have to just start. No audience is going to know me and vice-versa if I don’t even start.
Hopefully I’ll have my first video up sooner than later. My situation is super difficult and more so frustrating for me to simply sit down and start filming, but I’m definitely going to try. Because if I’m anything else than comedic, I’m a hard worker.