Journal

Rough Beginning

As with anything you do, there’s always a beginning. My parents want to put my “self-discovery” year in this way: “A temporary hiatus from teaching.” If you read my bio on my About Me page, you know that I put my teaching career on hold for at least this year because I needed a change. I hate politics and I hate the real world, but I didn’t hate teaching any less. Hate is a strong word, isn’t it? Teaching wasn’t all that bad. I love kids and that’s something that will never change. The way you can interact with kids is, to me, an opportunity to get to know yourself when you were a kid. We all know what it’s like to talk to one: They say something stupid and immature and we roll our eyes and think, How stupid and immature. And there are those golden moments that you wish you captured and/or would appear on an episode of Kids Say the Darndest Things. But there’s that innocence that you just can’t replicate, that you wish they’d keep forever and it makes the job of being a teacher so much more… valuable. In this day and age in which young children are exposed to everything inappropriate in the world, you as their caregiver for 6 hours or more a day want to protect them from all harm and foul. You as their educator want to ensure their success in this world that’s becoming increasingly more competitive in that many more careers they’ll have to choose from when the time for them to comes. And in this time when milennials are struggling against their baby boomer parents to break out from their traditional grips and seize success and independence in their own way, I just couldn’t take it anymore.

In only a month of being with the kids, I was called into my boss’s office and scolded for doing poorly on my 2 observation reports that I had so far. My boss practically begged me to tell her how I was going to do better. She wanted to maintain her school’s reputation. I wanted to maintain my composure.

We grow up in different homes with different people. I walked a path during which I had a lot of friends, few friends, and no friends. I learned to be independent from a young age due to life problems and I taught myself to keep going.

Fast forward and I’m 26, turning 27 in several months. The path that I’m on? It’s lonely. All the paths on which I’ve walked were. I never thought I’d be born into this world a sad individual. Maybe that’s how life starts. We have no knowledge and no perception of what life is, so we don’t know what emotions are. We feel nervous on our first day of school and think we aren’t going to make any friends, that they’ll hate us. But we do make friends. We learn that we aren’t alone. It’s only when we lose those connections that we do.

I always question, “How do we keep those connections?” My whole life I was just waking up and going to school and going to work. I was never grateful for waking up another day. The mundane routine of life consumes you with exhaustion that you wouldn’t even notice if you died and never woke up.

And so I’m here. I took charge of my life for once and told myself to set realistic and attainable goals, no matter how many. I’ve always wanted a change because every day looked and felt exactly.the.same. Life on social media seems so unrealistic. Growing up with WiFi was a miracle but we were warned by our parents never to trust anyone on it because people can be fake. But today, the internet life feels as real as ever because it became a business. It’s people’s lives.

I never got attention and I never asked for it. But now, I’m working for it. I want to earn it. Always with me in the mirror looking back at myself, I want to create valuable content for people who truly value it. To me, everyone is valuable and everyone has value. All I hope for in the next months is for all this value to be shared.

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